I am an addict. I used to be able to stop when I wanted to but then once I started experiencing what they call substance pschycosis I find myself continuing to use as a crutch or a mask. I did manage to get clean for about 30 days and I felt the best I’ve probably felt in 20 plus years at least if ever but then life got in the way. My family all caught covid and so I took care of them trying my hardest not to get it because I also have underlying conditions but in the end I ended up with covid and of course ended up in the hospital. I was only in there 10 days but while I was in there I had to have a major surgery non covid related and the surgery literally changed me. It felt like I got ran over again and again. I’ve had 3 c-sections, gallbladder, and even a leg amputated and this surgery was by far the worst. Lots of pain meds and I ended up checking myself out sooner then I should have due to being so lonely because of covid restrictions. Once I got home I was barely able to move around and do things for myself and my family so after a couple weeks of that I found myself using again. Even though my experience with this whole phsycosis never stopped even when I was clean I guess I was able to manage it well but now that I’m using again it’s back worse then ever. I know the 1st step is to stop using again but for some reason life’s everyday stresses is my excuse for continuing to use. I am barely even using but can’t not find it in me to just stop. I feel like if I can start to try n get my life back on track then it’s going to make it easier to stop. Whatever is happening to me has been going on for about 2 years. I feel like my family is watching or listening to everything I do and they feed into certain situations. I feel like I’m under some serious Hypnosis therapy or even maybe as far fetched as being brain washed. I started going to therapy and that’s where I got introduced to the W.R.A.P. program but soon stopped going because of feeling guilty that I started using again. Whatever is happening to me or going on has almost completely taken over my day to day living that it’s hard to just wake up. I’m NOT suicidal by any means but I feel like I can not “get it right” or like I’m in a reality movie or game and when I get the wrong answers or something it just gets worse. I was doing well for awhile like 10 steps forward 2 steps back but anymore it feels like 10 steps forward 100 steps backwards. I get very frustrated and discouraged with any progress I thought I had made. I am a mom of 3 (14,12,5) and a wife to a man who has stood by me through so much in our 16 years but I am not the mom or wife I need to be and I feel I’m gonna lose everything, push them all away, completely lose my mind. Through all this in the past couple years I feel like I have lost who I am, who I’m supposed to be, who I want to be. I am on my depression meds and they better then when I wasn’t on them but I feel like I don’t know how to be happy anymore or how to just be in a good mood without literally putting on a show, pretending, faking but that only lasts for so long then I break down even more. I’ve also been told that I have a really big issue with self forgiveness. I do see where that’s a problem but also stuck on how to move forward. Sorry so long. Thanks in advance.
